To the happy newlyweds - my sister-in-law Kim and Jordan on the eve of their wedding. May your adventures be many, and may you not worry so much about statistical significance.
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Before I got married, I spent a
lot of time agonizing - how could I know with absolute certainty that I was
making the right choice? How, based on 3
years of data, could I definitively make a decision which would impact the next
half-century (or longer!) of my life?
In statistics, the larger your
sample size, the more confidence you can have that a pattern is emerging in
your data. When you have a statistically
significant sample size, you can say with greater conviction that the trends
you've observed actually support a particular hypothesis.
But in matters of love, how do
you quantify data? How do you know when
you've got a large enough sample? What
even counts as a measurable data point - is it number of kisses and "I
love yous"? Number of breakfasts in
bed times the average duration of snuggle time?
Something else entirely?
How could I ever support
my own marriage hypothesis?
In my endless search to figure
out how I could gain one hundred percent confidence in my decision, I turned to
the internet. It wasn't helpful. I drowned in a sea of articles with
horrifying titles like "19 Ways to Know if You're Marrying the Right
Person!" and "Take Our Quiz to See if You're Ready to Tie the
Knot!"
Even the supposedly science-based
articles (with names like "Psychologists Have Found Ways to Predict if a
Couple Will Go the Distance!") were clinical and depressing, alternately
telling me either that my marriage would be a rousing success or end in
shambles.
Amidst the insanity, though, I
stumbled across an article which resonated profoundly: one woman wrote about
going through exactly this same struggle.
She loved her boyfriend very much, but how could she know for sure
that this was the right choice? It seemed to be a fundamentally illogical
decision, which, to her extremely rational disposition, was incredibly
disconcerting. How can you make such a
life-changing decision based on so little data?
Her solution: every year, she
and her now-husband renew their commitment to each other. Every year, she has the option to revise her
hypothesis based on new data. He asks if
she still wants to be married to him, and, for over 10 years, her answer has
been an unequivocal "yes".
This clearly doesn't apply to
everyone. (And, let's be honest, now that
I'm married, I don't actually require an annual escape hatch.)
Nonetheless, I loved this
article because it so perfectly captured my own struggles with the implications
of marriage. What I learned in the midst
of my endless internet searches is that, to some extent, it is a leap of
faith. No article, quiz, or
psychological analyses can tell you if you’re ready, or if your partner is the
right person, or divine the future and tell you if it’ll all work out. You have to go with your gut instinct - your
intuition.
What I learned was that, at
some point, you have to make the best decision possible with the data you have
on hand. For me, there was no just
knowing I was making the right choice.
There was no magical moment of clarity and absolute certainty. I realized there couldn’t be – at least not
in the logical, scientific way I wanted.
I could never have a perfect dataset.
Still, I thought about it to
great lengths. We saw a premarital
counselor to see if there was anything we needed to work on before getting
married, and she gave us her seal of approval.
So, I went with it. I looked at the data I had, drew a
conclusion, and took the leap.
Surprisingly, what I learned
after getting married was that it didn't change much of anything. I wondered why I'd made such a big fuss
before. But, when I think about it, I
feel like that’s the way it should be.
Does marriage fundamentally change your relationship? Does it redefine
your feelings for each other? Or is it
simply an expression of what's already there?
After we got married, a
certificate arrived in the mail, we stashed it in a file cabinet somewhere, car
insurance got cheaper, filing taxes got more interesting, and we continued on.
Before we got married, he was
my best friend – he still is. Sometimes
we get grumpy at each other – we still do.
But mostly we go on great adventures, make each other laugh, and have
fun. When I wake up in the morning and
look at him, he is my husband, and I am his wife; other than that, not too much
has changed.
For you guys, I also hope that
not much changes, in the best possible way. If you don’t feel much different
after getting married, you’re not doing it wrong – you’re doing it exactly
right.
I hope that it will be the same
as always: two people who deeply love each other – two people who have
wonderful adventures, with many more yet to come.
In all that you do, it’s clear
how much you care for each other. Marriage
doesn't change that - it's simply an expression of it. It's a statement to each other and to the
world about your mutual dedication - but there is no doubt in my mind that your
commitment and love has always been there.
What you have is wonderful.
In the end, you're two people
taking the data you have and going with it.
Ultimately, I think that leap of faith is what defines marriage. You have to throw statistical significance out the window and jump together: into your lives, into your love, into all your shared successes, adventures, and passions.
Ultimately, I think that leap of faith is what defines marriage. You have to throw statistical significance out the window and jump together: into your lives, into your love, into all your shared successes, adventures, and passions.
And that, I think, is the most significant
data point of them all.
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